bluepoetry

in red I plant flowers hoping they will grow
in the twilight of day's end there's nothing to show
idle in rays of the sun
without fortune or fame or intellectual pursuits
there is not a wet paint brush or a blank canvas
or ideas put together to form cohesive thought
bound in this timeless eternity without friend or foe
sex toys and cheap boys
for low times and bored times I like to have those sexual times
so I can feel like a star in my own show
complete with satire, tits, ass, and pussy
a low budget film because I'm on a low wage
without health insurance, dental, or 401k
longing to be the object of the government's affection
without having to get on my knees
and blow the man that sequesters me
a zealot propagating zombies
with signs of hatred and historical inaccuracies
persecuting souls because bodies portray an inflexible spectrum
shadows of graves with dates unmentioned
behind architectural masterpieces that bear signs of oppression
allegedly degenerated from such ecclesiastical angels
setting standards for appraisal
insinuating we're ethically challenged
a low class citizen
without rights afforded to the worst criminals
but I am not a pedophile or a murderer or a thief
while you hide behind a facade of righteousness
and exacerbate our differences
I see we are more alike than you would like to think

dear friend, i've been growing tired of this silence
i have so much to tell you that will never be said
in light of these trying matters my tongue is tied
if i were to make another attempt at reconciling the past
i suppose i would begin by unzipping your dress
you always stood too high, so your shoes would be next
for the times i was ungrateful and deservedly called a cunt
i would fill you until you were full and unable to part
in dreams we would find the means to enable love to have a good ending
without fears and tears and masquerades
dear friend, you are not my darling anymore
and for that i must live apologetically for the things i did regretfully
some things that i miss are your showers in the morning,
3am fucks, and dinner at home
what a lousy time to say good bye in the summer
it's so goddamn hot it's a bitch to move
and the smog alert recommends that we carpool
but that just isn't going to happen in this cesspool
with suv's and cars from overseas
won't you please use your ford truck to help me transport some things
it's the least you could do considering...
just unload the pile here
it's useless to care, it will all be given away in two months time
to friends and friends of friends

Art spoke to me about moving in september
he's 45 years too old and doesn't know what it means to be queer
his mother wouldn't like it much if he lived with someone like me
and he is worried that i might take his "girlfriends"

my mother wants to know what it means to be queer
i told her to look in a mirror
you know, we look exactly alike minus a wrinkle here and there
i told her i love her and that's all she should care
so she made pancakes for breakfast and we listened to johnny cash

the cats are asleep and the dog is in a chair
if it weren't for the floral my retinas would be at ease
it's chilly enough to wear a sweater and see your breath in the air
another month and we'll be wearing peacoat's
with scarves that are burberry plaid

back with a vengeance

i'm sick :( called out of work
the weekend kinda sucked. watched talladega nights, which was a disappointment and a waste of money. saturday i was going to go out but stayed in with d and smoked. woke up sunday with a sore throat. went to a ghetto party at a park with d in the afternoon. i was the only white person there. everyone was smoking and drinking, it was pretty cool, but i got sick and left.
spoke to angela. she's talking to someone now who has a kid. i got upset about that, and called her a bitch for the first time. probably shouldn't have done that, but i was really pissed.

so i still have a crush on the girl at work. she invited me out tonight, but like an asshole i said i couldn't. instead, i did laundry. i really need to work on my antisocial tendencies especially if i intend on getting laid anytime in the near future! what is wrong with me?

terri and candice visisted for the last time before c moves to alaska. it's pretty sad. i moved to atlanta four years ago to be with her. shit changes though. saturday i went to the chair but they were charging $10 so instead d and i went back to his place and smoked. humped a bit. fell asleep. sunday, came home and slept until 3:30. got coffee. gave the kids a bath (they're starting to get fleas). work tomorrow at 9

fuckity fuck fuck fuck. where is the weekend?! i'm high. i wish i could go out and drink but i'm so tired. i was supposed to see c. yesterday but she canceled. She'll be moving to Alaska August first. I might go to Columbus and visit her mother with her on the weekend, but christ almighty with the cost of gas! I have to see Betty though, she's like a second mother to me. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving of 2004, right after Sunny died. That's kind of depressing. I need to refill my meds...I'm on 40mg of Celexa and have been for about a year. Jesus time has flown.

Fuck, I am itching to get laid. I think I’m just bored and a little lonely. I wish I had more spice in my life, it seems so fucking boring. I guess my options are limited since I don’t have access to an unlimited supply of funds. I want to go on a vacation…in October to Salem, Mass. I should start saving money.
Last night I hung out with D and this guy he met on live journal. They are both trans. The boi is eighteen. It’s crazy how much six years can mature a person. Anyway, he started to talk about “fat, black, inspirational speakers”, which caught my attention because well…first it’s kind of funny and second because it’s considered a category of inspirational speaking. Hmmmmm…I giggled, not out of disrespect but cause I wasn’t expecting him to start talking about some shit like this. He was offended I think. But anyway, apparently he is fucking a girl who is overweight and he had to “deal” with her size.

Monday, Monday. Worked from 9-5 and will for the rest of the week. Watching the news. I have a crush on one of my coworkers, which kind of sucks, but at least I can look forward to going to work.

Well I have awaken to another Sunday morning. I need to call my parents since I haven't talked to them in over a week. I didn't do anything last night except stay in and be a computer whore which kind of sucked since my shit is so damn slow. I'm going to D's sometime this afternoon. Probably smoke a bowl before I go. I need to have a shower and walk Lola. Mmmm I think I want coffee, I'll make some before I leave. I hung out with Terri yesterday. We tried to watch David Copperfield but couldn't so we watched some video footage of her band play.
I haven't talked to Angela, which really isn't expected since I dumped her.

I need to keep a journal, so I thought that perhaps I would keep up with one better if I did it online. In some ways this seems a little odd especially since anyone who would like to read it can. I'm twenty four and this is my first entry into my live journal. Woohoo!!!
I just dumped my gir...well ex girlfriend a couple hours ago. She wasn't really my girlfriend, but we decided to be monogamous and shit so, as far as I'm concerned that's the easy way to define her. We first met at the end of February and got along quite well. She has been acting strange and not talking to me much lately. I hung out with her last night and just didn't feel "right" with her. I tried to spoon her while we watched a movie and she didn't want me to. She didn't spend the night like she usually does. I walked her to her car after the movie and gave her a brief hug and turned back to my apartment without kissing her goodbye. I talked to her today and told her to come over so we could fuck, she said, "what the hell you're crazy". We haven't had sex in over two weeks, I can't take this shit! So after a little more of what seemed like a stupid text conversation on the phone I told her I didn't want to date anymore and "it's over". I just don't know. I want someone to be fucking crazy about me and not able to keep from jumping on me. Jesus is that too much to ask for. I dunno. I think I'm ready to start dating guys again. These women are driving me fucking crazy.